Be Like Her

It's been two years since my Grandma left this world.

It seems like such a long time ago.

It seems like yesterday.

I still miss her.

We all do.

Macy will do something so funny and silly and I wish she was there to watch it.

I wish she was here to know her great granddaughter.

She would want Jack to talk to her about books.

She would ask Colin about soccer.

She would talk with Ryan about his latest project.

She would ask because she cared, because she was engaged, because she was involved.

It is a good reminder for me, on this bittersweet day.

Be like her.

Ask.

Engage.

Be involved.

Be like her.

The Best Is Yet To Come

Happy 2016!

Whew.

2016. 

We made it.

This year. It is going to be a big year for us, I can feel it.

2015 was good and trying and challenging. All years are. We have had some changes that happened late into the year that are bringing us to new places this January.

Late in December, Ryan closed the door on his job in Ann Arbor. He joined the start up with high expectations 18 months ago. If you know us, you know how much he worked. Hours upon hours, way past what is normal or, in my wifely opinion, acceptable. He gave it 100%. Somewhere along the way, the effort grew one sided. Ryan kept working, but expectations were not met on their side. It was a challenging time.

 But, out of the blue, Ryan was offered a new job. A promotion, with a nice raise. They pursued him, and offered everything that was promised before at the former job, plus some.

God is so good. While in the midst of struggling, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. We had no idea, but He did.

So, in this new year, this fresh start and clean slate, Ryan started his new job. The boys are back in school, ready to tackle the new year. Macy and I are home...cleaning up the remainder of vacation fun.

This is just the start though. (Not the cleaning though, that will always be around)

There is more to come.

Good things. Great things. Challenging things.

There is an underlining excitement for this year that I have not felt in awhile.

We are taking some big steps. Faith filled steps. Scary steps. Exciting steps.

The best is yet to come.

Remembering...

It doesn't seem possible that one year ago today my sweet grandmother slipped into eternity.

I miss her.

I miss her laugh. I miss her hugs, the smell of her perfume that hung to everything around her.

I miss her notes in the mail, to me, to the kids, to Ryan.

It still seems wrong that she is not here, like a nagging in the back of your mind that something is missing, but you just can't fix it.

While it is easy to sit here and feel sad, a bit lost, a bit mad (I hate cancer. Hate it, hate it, hate it) and wallow in the feelings that are still raw and fresh, it is not what I want this post to be about.

  I really just want to remember. I want to remember all the good.

SO much good.

So much love.

So much happiness and so much laughter.

Those memories are the ones that bring smiles through tears.

Those are on the things that I want to think about.

I want to remember how she was just the best Grandma and the perfect great -grandma to my kids.

She was an example of love and grace and honor.

She was a loving wife and followed my grandpa to Alaska and back in retirement.

She was an active and involved mother.

A giver of her time, her attention and her affections.

She was faithful.

She was strong.

She helped anyone who needed it, prayed for anyone at any time.

Wednesday nights and Sundays would find her at church, serving the children. Loving those who did not get much love at home, being consistent in their lives when few else had.

And that is just a drop in the bucket.

So today, I remember my beautiful Grandma.

I rest in the peace of knowing that she is in Heaven and that I will meet her there one day.

And oh, what a reunion that will be!

Silver Linings

Oh, Christmas.

We started our Christmas break off with a bang.

Around 12:30a.m on the Saturday night before Christmas, the light in our en suite bathroom clicked on. Ryan and I had just crawled into bed and were discussing our plan of action for the following day. We had stayed up late, packing and cleaning and preparing to leave for my parent's house and the beginning of our Christmas vacation.

I figured that Jack needed to go the bathroom, as he drank a bunch of milk with his freshly frosted sugar cookies that night.

I was wrong.

He was sick. Very, very sick.  Repeated rounds that lasted throughout the night.

We did not make it to church that Sunday morning. We did not wear our special Christmas clothes and than start our trek up north. We washed a lot of laundry and watched a lot of Christmas movies.

Halfway through the third round of soiled blankets, I noticed that the washer was not draining. Hmm. Weird. Try again.

Still not draining.

After a few hours of manually scooping out the water, watching various YouTube videos and taking apart the front of the washer it was determined that it was broken. The pump, the corroded plugs, everything.

No more washer. Yay.

So while Ryan and Colin spent the evening at the laundromat, I disinfected the whole house and we waited.

We were able to head out late Monday afternoon. Jack felt much better and we thought it was a quick little bug. Good to go.

45 minutes from my parents house, Macy threw up her apples. In her carseat.

We spent the night cleaning up a tired, sick little lady who had her first stomach bug and was so confused about what what happening.

Tuesday came and went, while we nursed a sick baby and than another sick little guy. Colin rallied and was sick for just a short time. No messes, no clean up. He made it the bathroom every time.

Christmas Eve came with healthy kids and celebrations with Ryan's side of the family.

 Presents were passed around and Macy enjoyed tearing off the wrapping, piece by little piece. Once she found out that she could rip the paper, she was very helpful with unwrapping everyone else's gift for them! She also claimed Colin's new sleeping bag as her own while she grabbed a quick cuddle with Grandpa.

The boys insisted on wearing ties for Christmas...until the actual day came, than it was a semi-battle to get them dressed. Colin broke his tie within 7 minutes of our arrival.  Jack, however, proudly wore his as he passed out the gifts this year. He insisted that he could do it, since he can read now and all.

Christmas morning brought excitement and waiting, as we opened stockings and presents with my parents, brother, my sister's family and two different grandparents.

While the kid's waited for everyone to get ready and the other's to arrive, books were read to little cousins and bananas were consumed by exposed toes little ladies. 

Presents were opened and enjoyed. Breakfast was made by the men and coffee was drank by the gallon. Little tiny baby boys were tickled and loved by little mini mommas, whether it was wanted or not. There was laughter and noise, paper and chaos. Everyone was happy and healthy. A wonderful Christmas morning.

Later that Christmas day, we made our way up north to my grandparent's home. It was a strange Christmas. No snow in sight. Temperatures in the 40s. The house in the woods on the river was still pretty and cozy, bathed in lights and fragrant from cooking. It was emptier this year. Missing the grand matriarch that welcomed all into her home. We all came together on Christmas, just like my grandmother loved. We ate, laughed, gifted and gave. There were a few tears, but mainly smiles. A happiness with a twinge of sorrow, missing one who was so dear.  But there was joy in knowing that, while she was so deeply missed and loved, we, as a family, were doing everything that she loved most. We were together.

 We ended our Christmas night with sleepy children in tow. All the kids went right to sleep, nestled into their beds.

Or so we thought.

Our sweet little Macy cried out for a bit, probably awakened by the adults moving around upstairs, or so we thought.

Unfortunately, we ended our night bathing a sick little girl who filled her crib and than went back to sleep in it. 

Ryan did a few more loads of laundry, I draped a towel over my chest (again), snuggled a baby back to sleep and just like that...Christmas was over.

While it was not a perfect holiday, or a preferred way to spend our time, it was real life. We had our ups and down and a multitude of laundry.

But there is always a silver lining. I have a new washer and dryer being delivered tomorrow. We did laundry at both parent's house and only had to use the laudromat once. We don't need to get a flu shot, as Jack gave it all to us. We all were together, in sickness and in health, and that is really what is important. There is always that glimmer of hope, even when clouds are grey.

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas season with dramatically less clean up than I did.

Here's looking at you, 2015!

Firsts

First Easter basket for the baby! She may not be AS excited as her brothers, but she does don those bunny ears like a champ.

First Easter spent with family in 7 years! The boys loved their special egg hunt!

Macy and I missed the egg hunt in attempts of a nap. It was a failure, but definitely not the first vetoed nap by this little Miss.

The obligatory Easter best family picture! I sure do have a handsome crew.

 

Baby's first Easter dress, picked out by her brothers.

 

6 days after getting family all together for Easter, we all gathered once again.

This time is was because the first spring thaw had come through and the ground was no longer frozen. We were finally able to bury my Grandmother and have a small graveside service for her on a cool, sunny day.

It is not the first time that I have been to my grandparent's house since my Grandma passed away. I was there the following day, helping plan her funeral. I was there before the visitation and than after the funeral. It is sad. It is weird. It is normal. It is my grandparent's house.

But always that first swing of the door, the familiar smell, the glow of the wood, the sound of talking, that first step on to the threshold, it hits me like a load of bricks. I strain to hear her voice, to hear her beckon me in. That first step into the house takes my breath away. By the time I have put the carseat down, taken off little shoes and hung up coats, I have recovered and can breathe. But oh that first step, that first breath... it hits me every single time.

This grieving thing. It is a first for me. I have lost family members before, and I was deeply saddened and affected. But the loss of my grandmother is still processing in my heart and mind. Never before have I lost someone so close to me, so close to my heart, so intricately involved in my life.

I am so very thankful that I have the family I do, the grandmother I had, and the love that we all share for each other and those around us. It helps. It helps to heal. It helps to be able to watch my kids play outside with my Grandfather. For him to build the first bonfire of the season and sit and watch the embers glow. It helps to know that everyone is happy to be together, even if there is a gigantic hole missing. We all just miss her so very much. Family time was her very favorite thing. I know that she would be so happy to see us all together. And that makes me smile and miss her all the more. 

It wouldn't be the first time and it certainly won't be the last time.

Friday Favorites: First, Seconds and Silly

Happy Friday! 

After two weekends of traveling in a row, I am looking forward to being at home this weekend. 

Here are a few of my favorite happenings lately:

My baby lost his first tooth!  I was away on a work trip in Virginia and got a call from a VERY excited boy. He was at my grandparent's, eating a popsicle, and it just came out! I was a little bummed to miss out on that, but was happy that my mom and grandpa got be there for the big moment. We had to negotiate a deal with the Tooth Fairy, as Jack insisted that the Tooth Fairy was going to give him $25 for his tooth! We brought the price down to $5 for the first tooth and a $1 for the rest. Apparently, teeth cost a lot of money these days...

Last weekend, Macy and I flew back to Virginia Beach for a work trip. Macy was absolutely fantastic. She was the best little traveler, who charmed everyone with in eyesight with giggles and smiles. We were blessed with open seats next to us for both flights and she slept decently for being in a hotel. I was able to accomplish everything at work and we had time to meet with some friends. Macy and her bestie Wynter had a nice reunion:)

Baby is on the move. She is not sitting up yet, because that would mean she has to sit still. She is rolling ALL over the place and can get her little hands onto anything. I put her ON top of her play mat and returned 2 minutes later to find her UNDER her play mat, happy as a clam, eating the tags. Life just got a whole lot more interesting!

While there has been some good moments in the last few weeks, it has been tinged with a deep sadness at the loss of my Grandma.

Overall, I would say that my family is doing well, considering.  We all came together and celebrated my Grandma and she would have loved it. There is a great solidarity in my family that seemed to strengthen instead of weaken during this hard time.

This little boy wanted to make people smile. He did not like people being sad, so he tried his hardest to bring a lightness and silliness to some of the situations.

His smiling face and cute little voice brought many a smile, when it was easier to not.

I am so thankful for him.

I hope you have a great, relaxing weekend!

I am hoping to get some sleep and get my house back in order!

Oh, and Happy Spring.

(It feels like 24 degree right now, so not feeling the spring time just yet,but at least there is hope!)

March 3, 2014

 

When I first heard that there was a large mass moving towards my grandmother’s heart or lungs and there was nothing they could do it about it, I cried. She was given 2 weeks to 2 months. It was too short. Too soon. I could not, cannot imagine a world without my grandmother.

I texted my husband, because speaking those horrible words out loud on the phone was just too much. It was too real and too raw. Writing was easier.

We planned to head up north that weekend and see her.

I cried that afternoon while I rocked my daughter to sleep. I cried while I held her sleeping body and I cried when I put her down.

Then, I went into my kitchen, this insatiable desire to cook, to make something, to bring them food, to make things better. I rummaged through my cupboards; thinking of what I could make that was nourishing and healthful, but appetizing.

Suddenly, I stopped. I was in the kitchen, thinking of my grandmother, wanting to make something for someone else.

This was exactly what my grandma would do. 

She thrived in the kitchen, a trait that was passed on from her mother, to my mother and now, apparently, on to me.  And what big shoes do I have to fill. Those Craig/Maile ladies can COOK. I mean, they know how to make the best food and anyone who knows them will tell you that.

As I tried to find ingredient for some banana bread muffins (healthy and hearty for grandma, a touch of sweet for grandpa) I thought of all the times I had seen her pull out food from the depths of her seemingly bottomless freezer to feed anyone who visited.

I thought of the time that she came to visit me in Virginia and brought lake – caught fish for a fish fry. She bought me a turning fork, because I did not have one, and you need one to make fried fish how she does.

 My Grandma cooking in my kitchen with my mom., lacking a good turning fork.

 I thought of her “ Happy Birthday, Jesus” cake that she insisted that she make every single Christmas night and that we would read the same reasons for the cake every single time.  By this time of Christmas night, everyone was full and cake was the last thing that we wanted to eat, but we dutiful went along with her birthday celebration.

There are a thousand more stories and memories that I have, that I cherish. My grandmother has been the grandmother to many, not just her own biological children. She is grace, love and peace personified. I truly cannot imagine a world, my world, without her.

Time is drawing near for her. It is down to days now. Sweet, precious hours.

The only saving grace about this whole situation is that I know my grandmother and I know her Savior. I know where she is going and I know that I will see her again.

While I don’t know how I will be able to go about tomorrow or the next week or next Christmas. I don’t know what I will do when I need to decipher Grandma Craig’s famous pumpkin pie recipe and I can’t call her. I don’t know how any of my family will do, but I do know this. My hope is found in nothing less than Jesus. In the depths of my sadness, I am still at peace.

My grandmother was a living example of pure love and you saw Jesus through her, every day.

 My hope and prayer is that one day I may be able to be like her.

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* I wrote this post in the afternoon of March 3, 2014.  Hours later my sweet, wonderful grandmother slipped peacefully into eternity. She is whole and complete, meeting her Jesus that she faithfully served for years. I love you Grandma and I miss you terribly all ready...

 Four generations. I love the picture so much. It was the last time I saw my Grandmother. My daughter was able to be with her GiGi one more time. This picture is crooked and my grandpa's bald head is in it. I am sitting oddly, as to not put any pressure on my frail grandma. It is still perfect.

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